Shattered
by AnimeGirl9894
Summary: "As he looked out over the city, he ignored the twisting in his stomach and the twinge in his chest. He was going to show them what happened when he didn't try anymore." Mikey is tired of his family not appreciating him. Will his brothers figure it out or will it destroy them first? Rated for a few swears.
1. Chapter 1

** This idea has been in my head for quite a while. So, this is based on the 2003 turtles more so than the 2012 series. But you can see from either series and it won't make that much of a difference. I loved the '03 TMNT more, so I wanted to write from that.**

** I don't own TMNT**

"You almost got us killed, again, with all your joking around, Mikey!" The orange wearing turtle rubbed his bruised shoulder and lowered his eyes in shame. He hadn't meant to ruin their mission. He had just been joking around a little. Trying to make his brother crack a smile. None of them had been very happy lately. Leo glared at him coldly and continued, not swayed by his younger brother obvious guilt. "When will you stop acting so immature and continuously putting yourself in danger?!" Michelangelo looked up and drew back at the disappointment in his oldest brothers eyes. He hated seeing that look. Complete disappointment.

"Leo, I'm sorry. I just got a little distracted is all. No one got hurt that bad." He offered a small smile, which almost immediately faltered under Leo's sharp gaze.

"It seems, Michelangelo, that you're always 'a little distracted' and it's getting old." Mikey gave up on trying to get on the older turtles good side and threw up his hands in surrender. One he pulled the old full name card on him, there was no reasoning with the blue-banded turtle.

"I'm not _trying _to get distracted, bro. It was an _accident_. It won't happen again." He was beginning to get annoyed with Leo's lecturing, which seemed to becoming a nightly activity. Every time they got back from patrol Leo would tell him how he could have done better or that he messed up yet again. "Maybe if you stopped trying to be a mini sensei all the time you'd see it's not that big a' deal." Leo bristled and took a step forward. Mikey met his brother's glare with one of his own. Mikey saw the quick flash of surprise in Leo's eyes when he realized that the younger turtle wasn't backing down. After a few tense moments, Leo sighed and shook his head. He stalked off to the dojo without another word.

"Mikey, I need to check out that shoulder of yours!" Blue eyes turned in the direction of the voice until he met his brother in purple's calm brown ones. Mikey flashed him a smile and walked over to the infirmary. Don had always been the calming presence in the lair. He was always there with a sympathetic smile to listen to Mikey's problems. As he walked into the infirmary he resisted the urge to groan at the sight of his second oldest brother. The dark turtle sat on one of the cots with a annoyed scowl and a impressive cut on his leg. Raph was almost as bad as Leo when it came to lecturing him. Except Raphael adopted the _always_ pleasant tactic of yelling and blaming Mikey for everything. This time would likely be no different. "I'm just going to finish up with Raph and then I'll take a look at your shoulder." Donnie waved his hand to one of the unoccupied cots and Mikey sat down, trying his best to avoid Raph's piercing, amber glare.

It was tense while Don worked on cleaning and wrapping Raph's injury. Mikey didn't dare say something that could be mistaken for an invitation for a lecture. As soon as Raph was dismissed, he stood and angrily walked out of the room. Not before he purposely bumped into Mikey's leg and muttered 'screw up' on his way out. Anger boiled beneath the usually happy turtle's skin, making him tense and his vision blurred slightly as hot tears pricked at his eyes. He hated hearing his brothers call him names. As much as he laughed it off and said it didn't bother him, it hurt him each time. He nearly jumped to the ceiling when he felt a hand on his shoulder. "You ok?" Mikey took a deep breath and let it out slowly, feeling the anger quickly subside and his muscles slowly relax. Raphael was just being grumpy that's all. No need get mad.

"Yeah, I'm alright. Sorry about that, bro." Mikey winced when Don applied slight pressure to his shoulder. Don tsked lightly and went to get another roll of gauze. "What's the damage, Doctor?" The Bo wielding turtle chuckled and Mikey felt the tension dissipate from the room.

"Nothing too bad. Fortunately, it appears that it's only bruised and there's no further damage. I'm going to wrap it to make sure that it doesn't get worse." A comfortable silence fell as Don wrapped his shoulder. Don would never turn on him and give him a lecture. "You need to be more careful, you know." Mikey groaned and slapped his forehead in exasperation. Now he was getting it from DON too?! Why were all his brothers gaining up on him like this? So he messed up this _one_ time. Maybe a few other times too, but they were completely overreacting.

"I seriously don't need a lecture from you right now bro." His tolerance for his brother's constant reprimanding was already wearing thin. Don was the one turtle he thought he could count on for some peace and understanding.

"I know you don't want to hear it but you have been joking around more than usual. I'm running out of medical supplies because of your constant visits." The last sentence was said jokingly but Mikey knew if he looked at Don, he would see the same serious, disappointed look he got from Raph and Leo. "I shouldn't tell you this but Leo was talking about leaving you behind on some of the Foot patrols." Now _that _caught Mikey's attention. He turned so sharply that Donnie was sure he gave himself whiplash.

"You serious?" Mikey's eyes were wide as he searched Don's face. Looking for a sign that he was just telling a really bad joke. The genius's face remained serious but softened when he saw the crestfallen look on his baby brother face. They has been thinking about this for a while. All of them got together and talked about leaving him out of patrols. Mikey shook his head and stood off the cot. He walked toward the door and gave his brother a forced smile. "Thanks for letting me know, Donnie." As he was walking to his room he caught the faint voices of his brothers and father from the dojo. He was about to keep walking when he caught his name. His curiosity got the best of him and he snuck over to the door.

"He neva' pays attention! He's goin' ta get us killed with his stupid jokes!" Raph.

"It's true. He doesn't take anything seriously sensei. I think it would be best if we left him here during patrols." Leo. There was a pause and Mikey feared that he had been caught. But he breathed a sigh of relief when Leo continued. "His lack of focus is putting our whole family in danger." Now he was exaggerating.

"I believe Michelangelo has the best intentions with his actions." Good old sensei would always defend him. Master Splinter knew that he always tried his best. "Your brother's actions are usually to ease the tension within the chaos that we live in."

"We don't need his stupid 'actions'! He's not good for anythin'! Stupid knucklehead is a fucking burden to the team." Mikey was shocked at Raph's harsh words. Is this what he really thought? A burden? He felt the familiar anger boil beneath his skin. His father's sharp voice cut into his thoughts.

"Raphael! You will not use that sort of language. Especially at your own brother's expense!"

"It's true though sensei. He isn't providing anything to the team." Mikey felt his throat tighten with his leader's agreement. He stormed away from the dojo, not wanting to hear anymore. He didn't need to hear his own family calling him a burden and useless. Suddenly the lair felt too small. The walls were closing in on him; his brothers' words echoing off the cold walls. He walked to the elevator* to leave when he caught the gruff voice of none other than his brother in red.

"Where you goin' shell for brains?" Mikey rolled his eyes and the elevator opened. He didn't want to deal with Raph, or maybe he _couldn't _right now. Anger was making his skin hot and his muscles tense. He felt like everything was caving in on him. He was slow to anger and the emotion being directed at his own _family_ was completely foreign to him. "Oi! That head so empty you forgot how ta hear?"

"Piss off, Raph!" He hissed angrily. The darker turtle was so caught off guard that he didn't have time for a comeback before Mikey was already gone. Raph stood in shock for a moment before he realized what had just happened.

"What the shell?" Mikey hardly ever cursed. It was only when he was seriously upset that he did. Raph scowled and rolled his eyes. Whatever was making Mike get so mad was none of his business. At least it would _finally_ be quiet while the idiot was gone.

0o0o0o0o0o0o

The sky was dark and a strong wind whipped past the lone figure standing on one of the many buildings of New York. The streets below buzzed with nightlife and despite the noise, it was serene. Mikey sat at the edge of the building and let his legs hang over the edge. He was still angry at his brothers for saying what they did but he was slowly letting the anger go that had been twisting in his stomach. He felt confused by the sudden feeling of claustrophobia that came with the anger. He had never been so mad at his family. He could usually let it go with a smile and a joke but this time was different.

"Why's it different now?" He didn't understand why he suddenly snapped. It wasn't the first time that he had been called names but "a burden"? That hurt. That hurt him more than being called stupid or a idiot. All the other names didn't compare to being called useless. He did a lot for the family that they didn't even notice. He frowned and his eyes narrowed at the thought. They never appreciated what he did for them. They didn't even want him on patrols anymore. Hopefully Master Splinter convinced them otherwise. He tried his best to make them all happy when all of them were sad or stressed. He made them smile when all they wanted to do was frown and argue. He joked because if he didn't the family would never get together. "They think I'm useless, then I'll prove that I'm not." He nodded and stood up. As he looked out over the city, he ignored the twisting in his stomach and the twinge in his chest. He was going to show them what happened when he didn't try anymore.

** This got a bit more angst-y than I thought it would be but I'm glad I got it out of my system. This story might not even go in the direction I thought of in the first place. Reviews always welcome.**

** *In the 2003 series there was an elevator that took them to the surface. I didn't want anyone to be confused because I know the 2012 serious has turnstiles. **


	2. Leader

** I'm sorry for the long wait for this update but I was having a bit of trouble with how I wanted this story to go. The concept of Mikey 'not trying' anymore is a bit difficult for me to write so I needed a bit to let myself think about it. Thank you to all 13 of you reviewers! I cannot believe you all liked this story so much. Please continue to read this story and enjoy it.**

** I don't own TMNT**

Mikey wondered back into the dark, quiet lair. He had patrolled the city for a few hours after he had left home. Enjoying the business of the nightlife and the peace that it brought to his jumbled thoughts. His mind had been racing after he'd decided to stop trying with his brothers. He thought of every insult that they had every thrown his way and also every time he'd managed to get a smile out of one them when they were having a bad day. He'd finally managed to push everything away and enjoy the city when he relized that eventually he'd have to return home. It was well past midnight and he was guessing that everyone had gone to bed. No one had bothered to stay up and wait for him to come back. No one had worried that he'd left the lair alone and been gone for hours. The orange-banded turtle shoved the hurt away that immediately bubbled in his chest and reminded himself of how his family really thought of him. He was a burden. They were probably happy the moment he left the lair and they could get some "peace and quiet", as they always called it. "We'll see how much they like quiet when that's all there is." He muttered as he stalked into his room. All the smiles in the world couldn't mend the pain that his brothers' words had caused. Unbeknownst to Mikey, a certain rat had heard him from the dojo.

He sighed sadly at the barely concealed hurt in his youngest son's voice. Even when the turtle was very young, Splinter could see that Michelangelo loved nothing more than seeing his brothers smile. He would always put himself second when it came to making sure his brothers were happy. However, it seemed somewhere through the years of fighting and chaos his sons had forgotten to return the favor. His youngest son's outgoing efforts and pranks had been returned with anger and annoyance. While he wasn't fond of all the nunchaku-wielding turtle's antics, he understood what his son was trying to do. The old rat shook his head and resumed his meditation. With the sudden lack of Michelangelo's smile, the family would surely become unbalanced. He just hoped his sons could figure it out before it was too late to be fixed.

0o0o0o0o0o0o

"It's time for training!" Mikey sighed and stood from where he had been reading a comic on the couch. He watched his two brothers sulk towards the dojo. He could see the weariness in Don's eyes and the slight tightness in Raph's muscles as they walked to practice. He felt the familiar need to run over and dramatically throw his arms around them and crack a joke, just to see them smile again. He hated seeing Don's warm eyes look so exhausted from hours upon hours spent in his lab and the way Raph grimaced every time he moved from beating up Purple Dragons every other night to relieve stress. Mikey frowned suddenly as he thought of how many times they had laughed at him and called him stupid. He rubbed his chest slightly as he felt a slight ache there. They called him stupid and immature but he noticed everything that was upsetting his brothers and _always_ did his best to make them smile. He made sure to give them a break from everything and just laugh and have fun. To give them something, _anything_ to feel remotely like normal teenagers. As normal as mutant ninja turtles could anyway. They didn't even know what he did for them.

_ And they don't care. _The thought made his muscles tense and the he pushed the need to help his tired brothers from his mind. He was brought out of his thoughts by his oldest brother clearing his throat. "Mikey could you please at least try to focus today? With all the Foot activity we can't have you, once again, slacking on your training." Mikey met Leo's stern gaze with a glare and rolled his eyes. He walked passed Leo without another word and sat down next to Don. He saw Leo's slight look of surprise at his silence but turned away before he could notice the tiredness behind his stoic expression and how he tried his best to hide how strained his body was from overtraining. Leonardo sat down next to him- he, again, ignored the flash of pain as he settled down- and they waited for Master Splinter to begin.

"Today we will practice hand-to-hand combat. You will spar against each other. Leonardo and Michelangelo will go first and then Raphael and Donatello." Mikey felt his brothers' eyes on him, waiting for him to make a joke and complain about going up against Leo. He walked passed them and stood at one end of the dojo. He got in his usual battle stance and his eyes narrowed in unusual seriousness. He saw that his older brother was favoring his right leg. He would avoid that leg then. Leo opened his mouth to speak but before he had the chance to correct Mikey's stance he shifted slightly and did it himself. No need to let Leo think he didn't know what he was doing. Leo looked slightly confused but covered it quickly. "Begin!"

Mikey rushed forward dodged Leo's oncoming punch and returned it with one of his own. Leo tried to sweep his feet out from under him but Mikey jumped out of the way. The blue wearing turtle was breathing slightly heavier than usual and was once again favoring his right leg. Michelangelo glanced at Splinter and saw him looking at Leonardo with narrowed, concerned eyes. "Would you focus and stop staring off into space?" Leo snapped causing Mikey looked at him with surprise and was met with annoyance and the all too familiar disappointment. He was so tired of that look! For everything he did all he got was disappointed looks and scolding. Leo ran at him before he could even blink. Mikey could see him glancing at Splinter. Always wanting to impress sensei and show how perfect he was. Mikey took a step back and lowered his arms, ready to give Leo an opening. He didn't like that look of cold desperation that came over his oldest brother. He could lose a match to get rid of it. No biggie.

"He jus' goin' ta stand there and get his shell kcicked like every time." Raph's voice cut through him and all at once he brought his arms out and dodged Leo's attack. Pride filled him at the surprise on his oldest brother's face. Mikey seized his chance and ducked down and swung out his leg at Leo's right leg. It buckled under his hit and with a shocked gasp the older turtle went down. The silence that followed filled every inch of the room. Mikey felt like it was crushing him and he took several deep breaths to try and relieve himself of the sensation. He had just _beat_ Leo.

"Enough! The winner is Michelangelo." Mikey turned to Leo and started to offer his hand to help him up but Leo's glare made him freeze completely. His body was tense and his hands were balled into fists. Mikey could already see the self-hatred of losing a match flowing off Leo in waves.

"Leo-" _it's not big deal. It was just a lucky break. _He was ready to downplay his victory. He wanted Leo to stop beating himself up over losing one little match. But the words got stuck in his throat. What was stopping him? He absentmindedly watched as Raph snickered at Leo's loss and got up for his own match. As he saw Leo glare at him and then look straight ahead. His gaze steely and unwavering, he realized what it was.

He was happy that he'd beaten Leo. He liked that he had stolen Leo's chance to lecture him about what he could've done better. He would usually purposely make a few mistakes in training so that Leo had something to lecture on about but now he didn't want to. He didn't _need_ to keep trying to give Leo the chance to see he was a great leader by playing around. The rare smiles that Leo would give him when he made a particularly good joke had become nonexistent. Mikey forced himself to look away from the slump in Leonardo's shoulders and returned his gaze to his other brothers' match. _He's just mad he lost to the "burden" to the family. _

Why keep lowering himself to make Leo feel better about himself?

** I think I captured how Mikey is feeling about everything fairly well. This chapter focused on Leo and some of the things Mikey does for him. I tried to show how Mikey is struggling with not helping his brothers but is also wanting them to see that he IS valuable to the team.**

** I hope this chapter lived up to the first one. Please review and tell me what you thought and/or any ideas you have.**


	3. Hot-head

** Thank you for all the reviews! I'm amazed at how many of you like this story. I'm sorry for the slow update but this story has been a challenge for me. This chapter unparticular, for some reason was extremely difficult to work out. Again, I apologize for the long wait on the update. Thank you to everyone who is still keeping up with this story! **

** I don't own TMNT.**

The pencil flew across the page, darkening the paper and silencing Mikey's unwanted thoughts and questions. The racing of his mind quieted down for once, as he let himself completely relax. The pencil molding into his fingers until he could no longer tell he had ever been holding a pencil at all. He needed this. He needed an escape, a release. When the walls that constantly felt too small would fall away and he could imagine he was anywhere. Since being at home had become a suffocating cage with bars pressing against his skin from every side. The ringing of words around him would tune out and the hurt would melt would away. He could feel his brothers looking at him strangely when he walked passed them silently. The days had been filled with eerie silence, as all four of them struggled to remain normal when everything was thrown off balance. Guilt made his throat tighten and he pushed the pencil harder on the paper.

_ It's not my fault. _The pencil took a sharp left across the page. The poor paper tore slightly under the unrelenting pencil. Mikey frowned and ignored the tear. He knew it was his fault that Leo was always in the dojo or his room. Soon after practice, the leader had been called into Don's lab and it'd been discovered that Leo had a severely sprained ankle. How Leo had managed to hide it was beyond the younger turtle. After the discovery Mikey had quickly disappeared into his room. He had seen the sadness in his father's eyes when he watched Mikey leave the dojo. _Why didn't I just let him win? _He tried to swallow back the guilt that tightened its grip on his throat. He pushed harder onto the paper and sloppily shaded in the bottom of the page.

Metal clanging against metal broke through the tense, stale air and Mikey glanced up briefly to see Leo storming- or limping quickly- out of the dojo. His eyes met Mikey's for a split second and Mikey froze in his place on the couch. Emotions flashed through his brother's dark brown eyes. Anger, self-hatred, desperation. Mikey refused to see the exhaustion behind the harshness of his leader's gaze. Then it was over. Leo stalked across the lair into the kitchen. The orange-banded turtle took a deep breath and forcefully pushed guilt's vice-like grip on his throat away. He hated seeing Leo's usually calm façade being replaced with that self-hating beast that lurked through the lair. He just needed to learn to chill out, that's all. It wasn't Michelangelo's fault that his brother hated to lose.

And it wasn't his fault that he liked to win.

0o0o0o0o0o0o

"I'm back~!" Mikey jumped and swiveled around from where he was sitting on the couch. It was past midnight and he was the only one up- save for Don, who claimed to never need sleep. Raph stumbled slightly in the dark lair, cursing in a loud whisper. Mikey's blue eyes narrowed as he took in the barely noticeable blush on his brother's cheeks. Raph had left after an argument with Leo around 8 and obviously gone straight to Casey's. Mikey stood and walked over to the emerald turtle. Now that he was closer, he could also see the many bruises that his brother was now sporting. There was also a cut on his arm that was leaving a dark red trail down his arm. He would have to take care of that. It was completely unusual for Raph to come home after a night of drinking and fighting but it didn't make seeing his strongest brother like this any easier. His stomach twisted and he took a deep breath to calm his nerves. The reek of cheap alcohol wafted towards him as the red-banded turtle finally managed to stand up straight. Well, straighter anyway.

Raph gave him a sloppy smile that looked completely out of place on his face. Mikey tried not think of how the only time Raph smiled was when he was drunk. How the only time he wasn't scowling and throwing insults at everyone, was when he'd drown himself in alcohol. He shook his head at the clouded look in his brother's eyes and started to help him to his room. "A' least you're good for sumthin' 'round here. Ya won't tell Splinta nothin'." Mikey clenched his teeth and choked down the annoyance that rose in his throat.

_ He's drunk. He doesn't mean it. _

_ So, he didn't mean it when he was sober? _The question made him stop in his slow trek to Raph's room. Raph called him stupid and useless on a daily basis and here he was carrying him to his room after a night out with Casey. Not that his brother ever _thanked_ him for it. Mikey only helped because he would occasionally get a weak smile from Raph the next morning, while he tried to hide his hang-over. That smile made it worth it. It did, right? He was helping his brother. He didn't need a 'thank you' or a 'thanks Mikey for covering for me every night I come home plastered'. His brother grunted and he released his grip on Raph's shoulders. Even in the dark he could see the slight red marks he'd left. "Uh, sorry about that." Raph looked at him blankly and shrugged his shoulders.

Mikey forced away the guilt of what he'd done and continued leading Raph to his room. He hadn't meant it. No big deal. "Sumtimes I wonda' why we keep ya around here. Not like ya really _do_ anything'." Mikey stood up straighter and let Raph's arm fall off his shoulders again. The hothead fell back and fell ungracefully into the kitchen. Why should he cover for Raph when he says all these things about him? He watched Raph curse and struggle to find his way upright through the haze of alcohol, with disgust.

He hated that Raph did this to himself on a regular basis.

He hated that Raph never thanked him for his help and still being called useless by his own _brother_.

And he hated helping him every single time Raph decided life was just too much for him. Life was hard for all of them and none of them ever tried to fix it. They all went off in their own little worlds and he was left behind to try and bring them back. Why was that _his _job?! Mikey looked down at Raph and was surprised that all his past sympathy and patience was gone. His face twisted into a scowl and he stepped out of the kitchen. Raph was a big boy and he could take care of himself. He turned around and started for his room. Fighting to keep himself from looking at the injuries that covered Raph's emerald skin. "Ey! Where ya goin'?" The slur of his brother's voice made him sick to his stomach. He forced his legs to keep walking. He didn't have to help him. He didn't _want_ to help him. And he didn't feel guilty. Mikey swallowed hard, as he entered his room. He tried not to notice Raph's surprised gaze from where he sat in the kitchen.

No, he didn't feel guilty. At all.

** There it is. That was for sure a challenge for me but I think it turned out pretty well. I tried, once again, to show Mikey's internal struggle. I chose to show him helping Raph while he was drunk to show that Mikey helps him, even when none of his brothers know it. I wanted something interesting besides him using pranks to help his brother let off steam. I hope you all liked this chapter!**

** Please review with what you thought and continue with this story. **


	4. Genius

** Once again I am amazed at how many reviews I received. Thank you all so much for reading this story and telling me what you think of it. I apologize, again, for the wait on this update but my senior year is here and it's taking a lot of my time. Please stay with this story and I hope this chapter is as good as the last few.**

** I don't own TMNT. **

"I cannot believe you would be so irresponsible! You put yourself and all of us in danger!" The anger in the usual calm turtles voice sliced though the silence of the early morning air. Mikey opened his eyes and sat up from where he had been laying on his bed, listening to music. After last night he had laid in bed for a few hours, willing sleep to come. Thoughts of his brothers and their disappointed glares filling his head and making him restless. His room had seemed to hot with his blankets and too cold without them. He refused to leave his room during the night, out of fear- anger- of seeing Raph again. His brother's voice bounced off the cement walls of the lair and Mikey slowly stuck his head out his doorway to see what was going on. Not that he wasn't already aware of what it was. There was no way Raph had been able to make it back to his room. The sight before him made him frown and he felt an overwhelming sense of sympathy for his brother in red, despite everything that had happened.

The sai-wielding turtle sat at the kitchen table, his head in his hands as Leo paced the kitchen in front of him. Raphael had the look of someone in complete misery. Mikey knew that Leo had already been in a foul mood but this seemed to have sent him over the top. His face was slightly red and his calm, stoic nature was long-gone. Mikey's frown deepened and his eyes narrowed as he watched Leo's mouth twist into a sneer as he lunched into another tirade. Mikey's eyes drifted over to Raph and he shook his head at the state of the emerald turtle. He was obviously fighting his hang-over and by the looks of it, was losing. Badly.

_ He did it to himself. _Mikey nodded to himself. _It's his fault. _

Mikey had done the right thing. There was no reason why he should have helped Raph if his brother was never going to acknowledge it. Why should _he_ feel guilty when his brother never did? He shouldn't. And he didn't. Mikey was surprised to feel himself smiling slightly as he watched Leo go at Raph. He was so relieved. He felt a weight lifted off of his shoulders. He caught his brother's amber gaze and waved at him, his smile growing into a smirk. This is what happened when he didn't help. He wanted his brothers to see what happened and now one of them finally was. He wanted to laugh. They would see what he did for them. There was no guilt. He didn't feel guilty.

It wasn't his fault.

"Mikey?" The tentative, calm voice cut through his thoughts and he looked over to see Don watching him from his lab. He grinned and gave one last look at Raph before walking over to his purple-wearing brother. "You ok?" Mikey cocked his head to the side in confusion. Don looked at him with concerned brown eyes. Why was he worried? Mikey felt great. On top of the world.

"Yeah, why?"

"You looked like you were about to cry over there." Mikey blinked and rubbed his eyes. His hand came away wet. Had he been crying? He was happy. But, why did he feel something choking him? He felt sick. He slowly moved his hand to his throat and looked at Don. His brother smiled gently and murmured something about going to his lab.

"-completely uncalled for!" Leo's voice was too loud and the walls were too close. He couldn't hear anymore. He found Raph in his field of vision, cradling his head and glaring at Leo with barely controlled anger. "Why would you even _think_ that was the answer?!" Each word hopelessly echoed around the lair, looking for a way out. His eyes crisscrossed around the lair, trying to catch the walls moving and the bouncing echoes. A hand closed around his shoulder and he leapt around, ready for something, anything. All he saw was Donnie staring at him with his always concerned gaze and a moment later he was sitting in his lab while Don closed the door. The entire room was a mess of papers and random machine parts. Mikey noticed Don had pulled his mask around his neck, to reveal dark circles under his eyes. Coffee cups covered his desk, creating a pattern of rings on its surface. His brother needed sleep. He hated seeing him do this. And for what? To build something bigger and better? They didn't need it. Mikey opened his mouth to say something about his brother's unstable state but Con cut him off.

"Leo sure is giving it to Raph this time." Mikey shifted uneasily, his past thoughts forgotten. He could hear the strain in Don's voice and the way his movements were sluggish. He had been avoiding Donnie since he'd decided to stop trying for his brothers. He knew that Don never intentionally hurt his feelings or insulted him. Don was the least of his brothers to lecture him and tell him off. Usually Don would be there to settle everything down and offer a tired but sympathetic smile. He didn't want to see his brother push himself to near exhaustion and have to walk away. So he'd found the easy way out. He had avoided Donnie all together. But now he was forced to pretend nothing was wrong. Forced to pretend that guilt wasn't eating away at him at the sight before him. He didn't have to help. Mikey had his own problems. He looked to the door and rubbed his hands together awkwardly. The walls were moving towards him and the beeping of Donnie's computers seemed to roar in his ears. "It's Raph's own fault though."

"It's his fault!" The words flew from Mikey's mouth before he could stop them. Don glanced at him in slight confusion but nodded and moved back to his own work. He didn't want to talk about Raph. He didn't want to sit and pretend he couldn't feel the itch to get out of the room and away from the twisted feelings of guilt, confusion and happiness he'd felt when he saw Raphael getting yelled at. Why had he been happy at his own _brother_ getting yelled at? Why did Don say he was crying? Why was it getting so hard to breath?

"You been doing ok lately? You seem kind of out of it." Don gave him a quick look before organizing a few test tubes of who-knows-what on his desk. Mikey felt dizzy. _Deep breaths Mikster. You're fine. _

"I'm fine." Mikey inwardly winced at the harshness of his voice. He looked away so he didn't see the hurt in Donnie's eyes. He took another deep breath and let his muscles relax. He swallowed back the emotions swirling around in his stomach and gave Don a smile. Don had already turned back to his experiment and nodded distractedly at Mikey's attempts to reassure him. The smile slid off his face and he stood to leave. Why did he even bother? Don just asked him out of necessity, not because he actually wanted to know what was wrong. Donnie always shooed him away and took extensive measures to make sure the orange-banded turtle didn't 'mess up' his lab. Mikey scowled and opened and closed Don's door, annoyance making his skin hot. His brothers thought he was a complete idiot and that he was always causing 'accidents'.

Mikey growled and ran a hand down his face. Why did he have to pretend it didn't hurt? He was just easing the tension. When Don wouldn't leave his lab, he'd make a joke and set off some sort of prank or explosion to get him out with the rest of the family. Even if this meant them yelling at him. Anything to get the family together. He never damaged anything beyond repair but all his brother saw was him being stupid and messing up his lab. Just as much as he had been avoiding Donnie, Don had been completely absent from everyone. Mikey glanced at the door to Don's lab and saw the 'NO MIKEYS' sign. His lip curled and he ripped the sign off the door and tore it in half. His family didn't care what he did for them. None of them even _knew _what he did for them. He dropped the torn papers on the floor and stormed out of the lair and up the nearest manhole.

Then he didn't care either.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Mikey took one last breath of the cold New York air. He looked out over the skyscrapers to see the sun just dipping below the horizon. The sky was painted a beautiful pink and orange and Mikey made a mental note to bring his sketchbook later. He smiled and let the peace of the city envelope him before he jumped into a nearby alley and into the sewer. The peace didn't last however because as soon as he entered the lair he was met with two angry, yelling brothers.

"Mikey, where the shell have you been?!" Leo stormed over to him and glared down at him. Even though the height difference was slight, he felt as if his brother was towering over him. "Don is missing and you just decide to leave the lair for hours without your T-phone?!" Mikey's eyes went wide.

"Bro, I was only gone for 3 hours and Donnie was here when I left!" Raph glared at him from behind Leo. "What do you mean Don is missing?" They gave him a look of complete exasperation and annoyance. It was obvious they thought of this as completely his fault.

"Why do ya even bother talkin' at him, Fearless?! It's not like he's any help with anythin." Raph growled and pushed passed Mikey, making sure to hit him with his shoulder on his way. Mikey scowled and rounded on Raph. Don was missing and they acted like it was _his_ fault? "What? Ya goin' at do somethin now?" Mikey's blood boiled and his hands curled into fists. He hated that look. He hated that they blamed him. He hated that Don was missing. And he hated that he blamed himself.

"Would you two stop being childish so we can find Don?" Leo hissed, pushing the two fuming turtles away from each other. Mikey started forward but Leo raised his hand. "It'd be best if you just stayed here. This is serious." With that they both left into the sewers. Mikey stared after them. He hated this. He hated this. He hated this!

** That turned out fairly well. I'm sorry that it didn't focus quite so much on Don as I predicted it would. I tried to show that this really is eating away at Mike. Hope this lived up to all of your expectations and you will please review and continue waiting for the next chapter. **

** Thank you for reading once again and supporting this story!**


	5. Broken

**Thank you once again for all the reviews, favorites and follows for that last chapter. I apologize for the pong wait but I have school and I'm much more busy now. I also got a bit of writers' block to figure out how to word this. Please continue to read and enjoy this story. Hope this chapter is good since I struggled with it.**

**I don't own TMNT**

Mikey turned up the TV and glared at the meaningless flashes and colors of some cartoon. The lair was too quiet. Everything was too still. The emptiness mocked him with its crushing silence. The absence of his brother hung heavily in the air and weighed on his shoulders. He slumped his shoulders forward and hung his head into his hands. Don was missing and if he had been here he could have gone with him. Mikeu always helped his brother when he left the lair. Usually it was just to get some fresh air but he always worried that Donnie's garbage hunts would get him in trouble. He tagged along with the simple excuse that he couldn't be left alone with his purple-banded brother's lab without destroying it. Of course it worked. Mikey felt irritation mix into his concern. Leo and Raph were always too busy to go with Don to the junk yard. Only Mikey went and yet they had left him here. No, they _made_ him stay here. He had listened. He did as he was told. Just to avoid confrontation. Disappointment and annoyance twisted in his stomach. He didn't stand up for himself. He couldn't. In this family he wasn't supposed to. He was The goofball. The screw-up. He wasn't the leader or the strong or smart one. He was extra to them.

Mikey's hands balled into fists and he stood off the couch. He wiped his eyes, pretending not to see that his hands came away wet. He was restless. His legs itched with the need to move, to run away as far as they could go. To never have to look back or feel the water flowing down his face. He was trapped. What was he supposed to do? _You weren't good enough to go with them. Since when did they ever think of you as an equal? They don't care_. The thoughts made his chest ache and his hand hovered over his heart for a moment before dropping down to his side again. It wasn't fair! "Why do I have to deal with this?!" None of this was his fault! It wasn't his fault Don had left by himself. It wasn't his fault that Leo couldn't survive without Splinter's approval. And it wasn't his fault that Raph ha no self-control! Yet it all fell on him. Anytime anything went wrong he was the one to blame. Anytime something went wrong he blamed himself.

And he _took_ it! He sat there and let his brothers yell at him just so they wouldn't yell at each other. His hands ached and his skin was hot. He let himself be a failure just so they could all feel better. None of them cared or acknowledged what he did. He was the screw-up baby brother. His vision blurred and he stumbled forward. The walls smudged together and the floor rippled under his steps. Mikey saw the distorted shape of Raph's punching bag and he pulled his fist back and swung. The tough leather sent pain shooting up his arm. They didn't care. So he didn't care. He swung again and again. He needed a release.

Immature. _Shut up._

Loser. _Shut up!_

Burden. "Shut up!" His eyes closed and his fist threw towards the reddened leather. He waited the satisfying pain that would zigzag up his arm. It never came. He blinked open his eyes and saw the concerned but serious eyes of his sensei. The rat had caught his fist mid swing. Mikey growled and slowly pulled his hand away. Shame forcing his eyes to the floor.

"Michelangelo." The sea-green turtle watched the floor as it came back together into it's solid stone form. He glanced at the punching bag and saw the splatter of crimson that he'd caused on his surface. His hands were numb. He was numb. He took a deep breath but the air was too thick. It stuck in his throat and choked him. "Look at me, my son." He steeled himself. His was numb. He wasn't trying. He was calm. He pushed the shock of seeing his own blood covering the punching bag and the humiliation when he saw the sadness in his father's eyes. He was fine. Mikey brought his eyes up and saw his father look at him with surprise. Mikey shifted and wiped his eyes self-consciously. He straightened, the pain in his hands the only thing he could feel. Why was he even upset in the first place? He didn't care.

"Yeah Master Splinter?" Again, he tried to sound normal. His face stretched into an uneasy smile and he forced himself to look his father in the eye. He could feel the smile cracking and falling apart. He could keep it together. He didn't need to worry Master Splinter.

"Are you alright? Where are your brothers?" A shadow passed over Michelangelo and his smile twitched into a scowl. Of course all Splinter cared about was his brothers. Why did they even matter? He was here wasn't that enough? They were always leaving on their own anyway. Always leaving without him.

"They left to find Don." _And they deemed me not good enough to go with them. _He ground his teeth together, trapping the words in his mouth. He could see Splinter's eyes searching his and he saw the deep sorrow there but it was also there. Disappointment. Even his own father blamed him. Mikey writhed his hands together and frowned at the pain it caused. He always caught the way his father favored his brothers over himself. With their special talents and potential. Mikey was always distracted or lacked focus. He would do better _next_ time. That's all it was.

"I can sense something is wrong, Michelangelo. What is troubling you?" Mikey rounded on the rat and stood over him. He glared down at his sensei but Splinter didn't waver. Mikey's mouth twisted into a sneer and an angry chuckle rumbled in his chest. Somewhere he knew he shouldn't be doing this but he didn't care. He was so sick of pretending that nothing was wrong. Sick of hearing his family's criticism or halfhearted questions about how he was feeling. It was cracking. He could feel it. He needed to stop but he couldn't now.

"What's _troubling_ me? Now you ask? After all this time now you decide to step up and see what's wrong? _Everything _is what's wrong! It's not my fault but you make it _all_ my fault! All I do is help and try my best and no one cares." Mikey wasn't sure who he was speaking to anymore. Somewhere he heard voices enter the lair. "All you see is a failure and a burden while you all try and kick me off patrols and tell me I'm not good enough. I try my best to keep everything together and then you all ask me to fucking try harder?!" Master Splinter, by now, stood shocked at his youngest son's outburst. Michelangelo stood, his face flashing through emotions too quickly to identify. He couldn't see. His eyes burned and everything swirled in front of him.

Mikey's world blurred into a raw mix of colors he couldn't name and he felt his mouth moving, yelling at his father with every once of anger, shame, frustration and guilt he had shoved deep inside. He felt hands on his shoulders and someone telling him to calm down. He was so angry. Just so sick of all of it. He felt his hand curl as he thought of every insult that had been thrown his way. Every disappointed stare. Every wall that he put up to keep himself from snapping. They were broken. He heard a the sound of a sword being drawn and he launched himself forward. Flashes of red, purple and blue danced around him. He didn't care who was in front of him. He couldn't remember what he was doing or where he was. Everything was gone. His control cracked against the cold cement walls, shattering into a million pieces and he let out a roar as hurt, guilt and anger filled every part of him.

"Mikey! Stop!" Who was that? There was a sword to his throat and a pair of strong arms holding him back. He struggled and managed to slip one hand out from the vice grip he was in. He twisted out of the tight hold and attacked the first thing he saw. A flash of purple? He felt his fist connect and then his body slamming into the ground. He felt a sharp pain in his neck and his mind slowed. In a moment of clarity he saw the figure of his brother. His chocolate brown eyes wide with shock and blood dripping from his lip. As black crept into his mind he realized what he had just done. Realized what he'd done to his family.

TBC

**Wow. This chapter went completely different than what I originally planned. Even though it may be a bit confusion, I think it captures how confused Mikey is feeling. He's been keeping this emotions trapped inside so long that when they finally get released he can't control them. This is one of my favorite chapters so far and I hope you all liked it as well. **

**Thank you for reading and please review and continue keeping up with this story. **


	6. Pretend

**Almost 100 reviews? I cannot tell you guys how amazing you all are. I consider a story with 5 reviews a success but this one had gone beyond my expectations. Thank you all for reading and continuing on despite my slow updates. This chapter, again, gave me trouble but I tried to keep it up to the standard of the rest of the story. So, I am very, very sorry for the incredibly long wait.**

**I don't own TMNT.**

Static filled his ears as he felt himself surface back into consciousness. He moaned in annoyance at the inaudible whispering. The static cleared into angry, hushed accusations and Mikey became aware of an ache in his neck and a dull throb in his hands. His body was too heavy to move and he felt himself start to drift away. The nothingness brought a dull numbness to his limbs and he welcomed it. Anything would be better than the hurt of his reality. He felt a sharp pain in his chest and his brow furrowed in frustration. As it faded, his individual brothers' voices cleared through the fog and his head lolled in the direction of the familiar murmuring. They sounded upset.

"-out of control."

"-dangerous."

"-his fault, guys."

What was it _this_ time? What were his brothers blaming on him now? His blue eyes blinked open and he squinted up at the haze of white and gray above him. His mind blurred as his vision came back together. The unbalance of confusion and clarity made him dizzy. He was in the infirmary. Why? Had his brothers found Don? He dug through his cluttered memories, feeling them scattering away from him. His thoughts desperately scurrying farther into the recesses of his mind. The hazy ceiling came into focus and he looked down at his hand to see them wrapped tightly in pink-tinted gauze. He struggled to orient himself as he tried to sit up but stopped when he saw Don cautiously enter the room. His genius brother froze mid-step and stared at Mikey with wide brown eyes. Surprise flashed across his face. And fear. His brother was scared of him? His blood went cold when he saw the deep cut in his brothers lip and the bruise blooming along his jaw, coloring his face a dark blue-black. Pain blossomed behind his eyes as he finally managed to grasp his memories. He ground his teeth and let out a low hiss of pain at the sudden assault on his cranium.

He had done that. He had attacked his sensei and his brothers. The realization crashed down on him and he grabbed his head in pain. Flashes of distorted colors and the sound of yells filled his head. Guilt rose in his throat and he forced himself to keep his face neutral. He squinted open his eyes and saw Don looking at him with cautious concern. His purple-banded brother wrung his hands and awkwardly took a step forward. Mikey released his head and sat up, carefully keeping the grimace at the stiffness of his muscles hidden. "I'm alright." His voice was hoarse and scratched his throat as he forced the words to sounds normal. Calm.

He had _attacked_ his own family. The temperature dropped and his eyes burned. He could see Don edging further into the room, his hands up in a surrender motion. Mikey felt a rock settle in his stomach and his eyes settled on examining his injured hands. The shaky, lop-sided smile his brother gave him made his stomach twist. Anger and guilt swirled in his stomach and made him light-headed. How could he do this? All of this because he didn't feel like he got enough attention? He hurt his brother so that he could finally get noticed?! Why couldn't he just let it go? His brothers yelled at him but that was his place in life. When was he going to realize that?

_Why didn't you just fill your role? You're nothing but the screw-up goofball. Where do you get off thinking you're anything more than that? _He grit his teeth until he felt his jaw pop and he wrung his hands together, reveling in the sting of pain it brought from his bandaged hands. He hurt his brother. He deserved the fear and well-hidden anger his brother looked at him with. He should have just stayed where he belonged. He never should have tried to change things. He should have kept pretending.

"So, how you feeling?" Don smiled at him gently but Mikey caught the way he was staying a good distance away. He glanced to the door and saw Leo and Raph watching the scene from the living room. Mikey opened his mouth but his throat was dry and the words died on his tongue. He needed to apologize. Guilt drug his body forward and his head fell into his hands.

"I'm sorry, Donnie." Each word was like sandpaper on his tongue. Why was it so hard? Why was it _always_ so hard? 

He didn't deserve his brother's never-ending understanding. Even if it was all an act. At least he was trying. He tried to ignore the angry voices that started up again just outside the infirmary. "It's ok, Mikey. I know you didn't mean to do it. Honestly it's a lot worse that it is. Raph's done worse." The sea-green turtle cringed at the laugh Don forced into the quiet room. He was always pretending. Always acting as if nothing was wrong. Mikey's eyes narrowed and he slammed his hand down on the cot he was sitting on. He ignored Don's flinch as he brought his eyes up to meet his older brother's gaze. He knew he shouldn't be yelling at Don but he was tired of seeing the fake smiles that they put on around him. The smiles that hid their anger and disappointment. Did _they_ ever try anymore? They never hid their anger towards him. If they didn't try, why did he always have to?! He rubbed his eyes and glanced at Don's swollen lip.

He had to. Because when he didn't, he had no control. His walls had kept everything inside so long that he could no longer control the anger and guilt he felt everyday.

"It's _not_ ok! Nothing is ok, Don! This is all my fault! I attacked all of you because I was looking for attention! Or- or because I'm so sick of all of it! How can you stand there and act like everything is ok? Why do we have to act like everything is _always_ ok?!" He didn't remember standing up but a moment later he was right in front of Don. Desperation dripped from his words and settled in the cracks in the stone floor. He hated the look of fear in the olive turtle's eyes but he was already gone. His walls were broken and the anger flowed through him. Why did they always have to pretend? Why was he the only one who felt this anxiety and deep resentment? "Just be mad already! Why does everything have to be so fake?!" He wanted to hit something. He wanted to yell and fight and let out all his frustration. He needed it. He was tired of pretending and tired of seeing his brothers do the same thing. In an instant Raph and Leo stood in front of him, their hands on their weapons. Mikey looked at his brothers and he hung his head. Despite everything that he'd done he felt a bitter loneliness settle in his stomach. It was him against them. It always was.

_But you deserve it._

_You always do. _He wasn't crying. He couldn't feel the tears rolling down his cheeks.

"What the hell is wrong with you?!" He refused to acknowledge the burning in his eyes and the throb in his chest. What _was_ wrong with him? Why couldn't he stop? His blood boiled beneath his skin and his muscles tensed in anticipation. His hands curled as his mind wondered away from this room. He wished he was running across the rooftops of New York. No one knowing he was there. Everything moving and humming without the need for him to act as if he wasn't hurting. Why was he so angry? Why couldn't he just keep pretending?

The room edged forward, trapping him within its cement walls. The air burned his lungs with each breath and he felt sick to his stomach. He needed to leave. He looked into his brothers' eyes and anger mixed into the shame already weighing down on him, making him dizzy. Was it his fault? His thoughts came through in a haze of confusion. Reality was cracked and he couldn't breath. The air was thick and the walls wavered, threatening to fall and crush him. His brothers moved closer and the concern in their faces made him want to laugh. They didn't _really _care. He tried to get air into his lungs but it burned his throat and coughs racked his body instead. Mikey's head spun and he felt himself falling forward. Why were they all watching him?

He was fine.

He was always fine.

The air was tense before Don let out an awkward chuckle. "Um, everything's ok guys."

"Then why does Mikey look like he's about at pass out, brainiac? He almost knocked your teeth out remember?" He felt himself being sat down on the cot and he held his head. His breath came out shallow and his closed his eyes. "Ya alright there, Mikey?" A smile slid onto his face and he lifted his eyes to star into Raph's bright amber ones.

"What do you care, _Raph_? Afraid that without me everyone will find out about your little outings with Casey?" His smile widened at the shocked look on his older brother's face and he turned to Leo. The leader's gaze was sharp and stern. Mikey sat up straighter, mirroring his brother's rigid posture. "Don't show any concern, Leo. Gotta keep those emotions locked up tight or Master Splinter might look someone else's way for a minute." Leo's mouth opened and his eyes widened slightly in barely controlled rage. Michelangelo stood off the cot and felt his smirk sink into a frown as he faced up against his brothers. Each one holding the same look of surprise and anger. "What? Got nothing to say, bros? Finally run out of names and insults to throw my way now that I'm doing it back?!" His legs burned, begging him to leave, and he turned around before his brothers could see his face crack into a thousand pieces. Without another word, he bolted from the room and into the sewers. He couldn't stay any longer. He'd given up his place. His role. And now he was nowhere.

"MIKEY!"

He pretended he didn't hear.

**Wow, alright I finished this chapter. This one was quite a challenge and I rewrote it several times. I kept adding things and erasing things, trying to get the emotions and descriptions right. Again, I apologize for the ridiculously long wait and hope that you have not given up on this story. Thank you for reading, reviewing and keep waiting for updates. **


	7. Realization

**This update was quicker than usual, it seems. Thank you all for your reviews, favorites, and follows. I cannot believe the number of reviews I have received. I am grateful that all of you stayed with this story so far. I have gotten a few requests that I give Mikey's brothers a chance to have a POV. So I am going to try and work that in. Thank you for reading once again.**

**I do not own any TMNT.**

The slow splash of his footsteps rippled through the quiet tunnel as he trudged through the sewer. The cold air lazily blew past him, freezing the tears on his face. He ground his teeth together to stop them from chattering. Mikey wiped his face and glanced behind him, checking to see if anyone was following him. His shoulders drooped when he was met with the eerie song of dripping water and whistling pipes. No footsteps or familiar voices searching for him. Did he want them to look for him? No. He didn't need their fake sympathy and disappointed stares. He couldn't let them see him break down. He didn't need to give them another reason to call him a screw up.

He pushed away the loneliness that made his chest tighten and his limbs heavy. He wasn't disappointed. Mikey straightened his shoulders and continued down the tunnel. He momentarily wished that he'd thought ahead to bring some sort of coat or food. He glanced up at a manhole and contemplated going topside. Pale sunlight streaked through the small holes in the cover and he smiled at the feeling of the sun on his cold skin. The sky open and blue; the people uncaring of what he did or didn't do. Muffled voices leaked down from the surface and he cut his thoughts off before he could lose himself in them. Laughter drifted down to him and his throat tightened. The cold air burned his throat with each slow breath. When was the last time he'd laughed? Again, his mind floated into his memories. Mikey's vision swirled in front of him. The dark tunnel fading into fuzzy colors and hushed sounds. Memories of his brothers laughing and jumping across the roof tops or sitting together late at night watching horror movies. Mikey blinked and glanced around in slight confusion. The tunnel seemed darker, the sunlight from the manhole had become a dull stream of artificial yellow light. His eyes widened as the blocky shadows formed into the passages into the sewer. His eyes stung and he licked his lips, the constant drip of water reminding him of his parched throat.

"Whoa, what time is it?" And when had he sat down? His legs tingled as blood rushed back into them as he struggled to stand up. His legs wobbled and he braced himself against the wall to force himself up. He looked up and down the tunnel and his eyes narrowed in thought. Disjointed words and pictures flashed in and out of his mind and he found himself unable to grasp any coherent concept. Blurred feelings of anger and guilt made him frown, a vague sense of his brothers twisted into the emotions and he scowled. He shook his head and headed down one of the tunnels. He would just walk under Main Street and them find Casey and April's.

He tried to ignore the pain in his chest and head as he made his way further in the sewers.

0o0o0o0o0o

"So Raphael, what are these 'outings with Casey?" Leo's sharp voice broke the silence that followed his little brother's sudden absence. Raph rolled his eyes and let out a grunt of irritation. Mikey runs away and of course their oh-so-perfect leader singles out that one little detail. He narrowed his amber eyes and glared at his older brother. He needed to find Mikey. The dumbass was probably wondering through the sewers lost of something. Worry bubbled in his stomach but he tried to ignore it. It was just Mikey, after all.

"It's none of ya business, Fearless! I'm just doin' my job, since you're too 'honorable' ta do it yourself!" Leo's brown eyes widened in rage and took a step forward. Raph almost grinned at the aspect of a fight. He'd been waiting to put the blue-wearing turtle in his place since he yelled at him the other day.

"You think that going around with Casey is 'doing your job'? You're putting this entire family at risk with your little save-the-city act. You need to start acting your age." Raph's lips pulled back in a snarl and his hand twitched towards his sai. All thoughts of his missing brother receding from his mind. He needed this. He needed to hit something. And Leo was the perfect target.

"Ya want to start somthin? Think you're so high and mighty when ya can't even beat the screw up?!" He saw Leo's hand inch up to his katana and his own gripped the worn red handle of his sais. Finally. The feelings of shock and shame sunk to the back of his mind and he readied himself. This was all he needed. His previous worry slowly faded as anger and anticipation for a fight took over.

"Guys! We have more important things to be worried about here!" Don's voice halted them both. The slight slur from his injured lip made Raph step back. He glanced at Don before rolling his eyes and sauntering into the training room. The dark bruise covering his brother's face made his hands itch and his limbs tense. He couldn't stand seeing his little brother hurt. The cut on his lip was a reminder that he had failed to protect him. This was all that stupid knucklehead's fault for messing everything up. Everything was fine until Mikey started acting up and pretending like he was better than everyone. Practicing more than anyone and not even complaining about it. Acting like he was king of the world or something. His thoughts clouded over as he spotted a barely standing practice dummy. He grabbed his weapon and coated every inch of his weapon in his frustration. His rage dripped off the metal and onto the stone floor.

"Where does that idiot get off yelling at me?!" Sand poured onto the floor as his sai punctured the battered practice dummy. He growled, thrusting his sai through the dummy and watched sand cover the floor in annoyance. He scowled and turned his attention to his punching bag. He needed to hit something! His fist tightened and he slammed it into the dull leather. Mikey had been acting all spacey for the past week and now it was _his_ fault?! It wasn't his fault the moron always messed up. He always messed up and got them all in trouble for his screw ups. Anger made his skin tight over his muscles and his red glazed over his vision. The lair faded into a mass of crimson and he felt himself sinking into the floor. He attacked the punching bag in a frenzy.

"Idiot!" He slammed his foot into the punching bag. "Fucking little moron!" Frustration made his movements quick and the leather bag sent welcomed pain through this body with each hit. His stupid little brother always got himself in danger and then acted like it was everyone else's fault. Dull mahogany caught his eye and he froze. His fist poised over the worn leather. Dull red splattered the side of his punching bag. A flash of Mikey's bloody knuckles came to his mind. The tension left his body and the weight of what had happened returned. The red haze evaporated and his body felt too heavy for him to support. He slumped to the floor and covered his face to his hand.

He could see his brother yelling at the top of his lungs at Splinter. The anger and hate in his brother's sky blue eyes. The look of pure, uncontrollable rage that tore the grin off his little brother's face as he'd attacked Donnie. He could see himself mirrored in that rage and shame weighed down on him. His brother should never have to feel such a dark emotion. The blood had stained his happy brother's hands and Raph cursed himself for letting it happen. "Dammit, Mikey." He tried to remember what had happened to make his brother so angry. A thought came to his mind and his eyes drifted to Mike's room in confusion. How had his brother even _known _about him going out with Casey? Every time he left he made sure no one noticed and when he got home…

Wait. What even _happened_ when he got home? He always woke up in his room, no one questioning him or giving him weird looks. Dark gold eyes went wide as a realization dawned on him. No one gave him weird looks, except Mikey. Mikey always watched him the morning after he'd been out with Casey. With a look of vague expectation and…annoyance? What did the knucklehead have to be annoyed about? He twisted his head to look at a cut he'd gotten on his shoulder from one of his last fights with the Purple Dragons. The dark emerald skin was already almost healed, despite it being only several days old. The cut already becoming a dull scar, nearly unnoticeable. He glanced back to Mikey's room, the light dark and silent, reminding him of his brother's obvious absence. Hazy thoughts drifted through his head of his returning home from a night out and the morning after. Mikey's same expectant expression becoming more prevalent in his mind.

"Aw shell…" It was Mikey. Every night coming home. Every hazy, drunken night was all Mikey. The realization brought a wave of guilt that threatened to drown him. Shame and anger twisted in his chest and tightened around his neck. His baby brother had been helping him the whole time.

And he'd called him useless.

**This chapter was incredibly hard to write. Raph's POV was much more difficult than I had originally anticipated. I received requests to introduce other point of views than just Mikey's and I hope this lived up to your expectations. This chapter also had more swearing in it but I moved up the rating and I feel Raphael would swear more than the other turtles. **

**Thank you, again, for reading this story and please continue to look for the next update. **


	8. Imperfect

**Thank you for all your reviews, once again. I am still amazed that so many of you have kept with this story and continue to look for the next chapter. This chapter was very hard for me because Leo is my least favorite turtle. He, to me, is very strict and has a need for perfection that is very unattractive in a character. I do love him, however, for his need to protect his family and his random, funny moments. I hope Leo is as in character as he should be. **

**I do not own TMNT**

Frustration coated his body and made his skin tighten over his muscles. Anger jumbled his thoughts and he ground his teeth in an attempt to control his emotions. He silently swept into the dojo and pulled out his katana. Calm. Breath. His breath hitched as he heard the sound of angry grunts and shaking chains. His breath quickened and his body smoothed into some katas. He was the leader and he need to maintain control. He needed to keep his emotions in check. The dojo seemed too small and the sounds of fists hitting leather too loud. He was just being their leader. Raphael was pretending to be some sort of vigilante and Michelangelo was goofing off in the sewers or pouting over whatever newest thing he was up to. His hiss of annoyance escaped his mouth as he thought of his youngest brother. He was either being irresponsible or acting like a spoiled brat throwing a tantrum. Why couldn't he just be responsible and follow his orders. If he did then he could have kept him on patrols. Pressure built up in his chest and made his throat tighten. He coughed, trying to relieve the sudden grip on his neck. This was his fault.

He needed to be a better leader and get his brothers in line. Why did Mikey have to make everything so difficult? He was the baby brother and he needed to remember his place.

His movements became quicker, more precise. The Dojo blurred around him as his body fell into the fast rhythm of attacks. Everything needed to be perfect. Silence filled his mind and he relaxed his muscles. His breath froze the room as he visualized every movement. Every action and reaction. He just needed to practice and get better. The walls crumbled and the hilt of his sword molded into his hand. Nothing surrounded him. He was alone. Silence drifting through his mind and bringing him to peace. He just needed to regroup and everything would be fine. He had done what he could and no one had taken his advice. He was being their leader. That's what he was.

Leo felt a smile slide onto his face as the words being to form into truth in his mind. He had done what needed to be done. A color flashed next to him and he jolted. He searched his mind for what the distraction had been. A nagging feeling settled in his stomach and made his chest twinge. The blue-banded turtle swallowed. His throat suddenly dry. The air warming. Purple wafted passed him and orange sparked beside him. His peace wavered and muffled feelings of anger, pain, shame and sadness twisted and filled his veins.

No one had listened to him. That was it.

He had tried. He was still in control.

Pained yells and dripping crimson flashed in front of his eyes and his hand tightened around the hilt of his katana. His little brother's wide brown eyes stared at him. Asking him why he'd let this happen. Darkened, bruising skin covered Don's face and he eyes snapped open. How could he let that happen? He was the leader. He had _let_ Donnie get hurt. How could he be a good leader if he couldn't even protect his own brother? Couldn't protect him against _Mikey_ of all people. The name brought irritation in waves.

Hate-filled blue eyes framed in orange stared at him and he reached for his other katana. Michelangelo had attacked his own family. He had tried to attack Master Splinter! He was the little brother. The back-up. If anything, he was there to constantly make his life _harder_. To always make him remember why he had to strive to be perfect where his brother lacked. Constantly messing around. Joking and laughing when their lives and safety were at stake! He was the spoiled little brother and he needed to learn his role. His katana flashed as he slashed through the air. Attacking invisible enemies. Letting his frustration guide the blade through the thick air. He leapt forward and pain shot up his leg. The sword clanged against the floor and faded into a dull pool of unidentifiable colors. The floor shifted under his feet and his knees wobbled against his will.

"Stop it. Now." His ankle was a constant reminder that he hadn't been good enough. The ground solidified and he ignored the lightning pain shooting up his leg. "You're a failure. How can you let yourself be taken down by _him_." The word was venom on his tongue. His chest let out a dull ache as the nagging feeling returned. The sage green turtle narrowed his eyes against the throb and the vague sense of guilt that it brought. How had he even _lost_ to his brother? He had practiced everything. His movements had been perfect. Leo sat down and calmed his thoughts; looking for what he had down wrong. How he could be better. His saw Michelangelo watching him as the match progressed. The usually smiling turtle stern and focused. He frowned as he remembered the slight pain he had been feeling in his ankle. But it had been nothing. Suddenly he realized that Mikey had looked at his leg before the fight, his eyes showing concern and then dull resolution. He saw his brother relax his stance and shift to a position that would put him more on Leo's left side.

"He was going easy on me…" The words left in a whisper and drifted through the room. Riding his realization and settling onto the cold floor. Leo's eyes traveled down to his bandaged ankle and he blinked. His brother had been…_letting _him win. His youngest, immature brother had been letting him win.

"That's impossible. He doesn't practice. He has speed but no control." Memories of his past matches with Mikey brought the same look of resolution and disappointment. He couldn't be actually better than him. Leo was the leader. He trained and perfected _every_ move. He was the one who deserved to win.

"He's just the screw up." The words hung in the air. Still and hard. Cold, brown eyes caught a worn splash of orange in the room and he turned to see Michelangelo's nun-chucks hung on the wall. His brother's accented voice filled his ears.

"Good job, Leo!"

"I just can't beat you, bro!"

"Don't be so hard on yourself. You're an awesome leader!"

Guilt shot through his chest and he shook his head. The weight of those words heavy on his shoulders. What was wrong with him? Mikey was his baby brother and always met his criticism with a smile. Mikey was letting him win. He let him win to let Leo feed his own stupid pride. His brother's words echoed though his mind. Every joke and laugh. Every time he smiled when no one else would. He let himself fall into the background so that Leo could get what? A nod of approval from sensei? A underwhelming sense that he was perfect and a good leader? One that just brought a further need to be better.

How could he be a good leader if he couldn't be a good brother?

Mikey's bloody hands and hurt-filled eyes flashed in front of him. He saw the anger and desperation that was so often reflected in his own eyes. Desperate for understanding and acceptance. Leo's head fell into his hands as he realized what he'd down. He'd forced his own brother to dull his own skills and pretend he couldn't win. He had scolded him for doing the only thing _actually_ they let him do. Make them smile. He'd treated his brother like a immature child. When _he_ was the one being selfish.

And he'd forced him to fill the role of a failure and screw up.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

The tunnel swirled around him and shadows danced along the walls. He kept a firm hand along the wall to guide him down the dark sewer. He squinted his eyes and tried to remember where he was. When had he turned down this way? He couldn't be lost so close to home. Was he close to the lair at all? The turtle rubbed his eyes and tried to suppress the shiver that traveled up his body. The air was cold but his skin felt hot and drug him down with each step. His eyes drooped and he found himself blinking for longer and longer. Each time he would welcome the calm sense of unconscious that threatened to take him. Mikey recalled several times that he's opened his eyes and the tunnel had seemed darker. Less familiar. His skin feeling more hot and his thoughts less clear. Fear made him tense and uneasy. The overwhelming feeling that he was alone a constant pain the stung his eyes.

"Where am I…?" He had a vague thought of the slight pause in his voice but he shoved it to the back of his mind. He must have been walking for _hours_. His thoughts came in a mess of unrelated pieces and he glanced around in worry and confusion. The tunnel brought clouded thoughts to his mind. He tried to focus on them but they slipped away as soon as he reached towards them. The sea-green turtle pressed his hand against his chest and frowned in annoyance. The ache in his chest had become more pronounced since he left the lair. He needed to get home but hazy thoughts of anger kept him going. The last thing he wanted to deal with was his brothers yelling at him for something stupid. They would probably say that it was all his fault that they were falling apart.

It wasn't.

It was their own faults.

Mikey looked around and blinked when he saw a pale stream of light coming from farther down the tunnel. He could go there and then go to the surface. He just needed some fresh air. Nothing was wrong. He was fine. The thoughts replayed in his mind as he tried to settle the unease in his stomach and the panic making his body jittery. He as ok.

Mikey glanced behind him and listened. Waiting for something. He only heard the distant sound of rushing water and his own quick breaths. With an annoyed grunt he started walking towards the light he'd seen. Everything was fine.

**Ok, there's this chapter. I think that despite my dislike of Leo and how hard of a character he is for me, this chapter turned out well. Leo's thoughts and point of view may seem a bit chaotic but he is confused even more than Raph was. The pressure of being a leader and being a brother has gotten to him. I tried to express that through this chapter. **

**Please review and thank you, again, for reading this story. Please look for the next chapter and continue enjoying this story. **


	9. Guilt

**I'm so glad that so many of you like this story. Thank you for your reviews and for making this the most successful story I have ever written. It seems that Raph was the only other turtle that wasn't hard for me to write (besides Mikey, of course). Don hasn't had a huge part in this story so far but I think his level-headed nature is important to keeping the family together. I hope he is written in character. Thank you again for staying with this story.**

**I don't own TMNT. **

Pain blossomed behind his eyes and he slumped into a nearby chair. The walls around him shifted and swirled, finally settling back down. The sound of equipment beeping filled his ears, reminding him of the absence of his only younger brother. Tension made the air thick. Anger pushing his shoulders forward and threatening to crush him. The hurt and sadness in his brother's blue eyes had made his stomach twist with guilt. Guilt for the obvious fear that raced through his mind when his brother moved. Guilt for not stopping him from leaving. And guilt for the slight sense of relief that sparked in the back of his mind when Mikey had left.

Sounds of Raph's angry growls and Leo's clashing katanas drifted through the open door. Annoyance made him want to slam the door on them. Slam the door and pretend he wasn't one of the reasons they were falling apart. This wasn't right. His brother was missing and no one seemed bothered. They returned to their own devices, forcibly ignoring what had happened. Each pushing worry and realization under layers and layers of hate and denial.

_You're not going after him either. _The thought floated through the room, making his chest tighten as he waved it away. He was already hurt. And Master Splinter wouldn't want them to all leave. It was just Mikey pouting and letting off steam. His brother was perfectly capable of taking care of himself. He knew the sewers just as well as the rest of them. He was fine. The empty words sat in front of him and he ignored the hollowness of them. The orange-banded turtle obviously had more strength than any of them had realized. The bitter taste of anger rose in his throat and he turned to one of his computers he kept in the infirmary.

If he needed help he would've asked.

_But maybe he did. And everyone ignored it. _Don shoved the thought that echoed through his mind. Restlessness made his fingers race across the keyboard. Forcing his mind to ignore the truth that weighed behind those words.

The family hadn't been getting along lately but now it seemed like everything was completely falling apart. Each of his brothers drifting apart into the bleak nothingness of their own worlds. Each refusing to reconnect their lives with each other more than necessary. How long had they been like this before now? It didn't seem like that big a problem. Don had easily grown accustomed to working in his lab everyday. Enjoying the solitude and quiet. They were getting older and finding their own interests. They couldn't _always_ be together in everything. Mikey was the only one who didn't seem to understand that. Don's eyes drifted to the bloody bandages sitting on a table next to the cot Mikey had been laying on. His jaw throbbed and he tried to suppress the tingle of fear that came with it. Words on his computer blurred together into a boggled mess of black and white. His mind disconnected and his fingers slowed over the keys.

Uncontrolled anger radiated off his little brother as he had turned to face them. His movements smooth but his body tense and ready. Eyes narrowed to icy blue slits that locked on Don. The only turtle that wasn't trying to stop him. The only one who had been too shocked to comprehend the look of blind rage that possessed his happy brother's face. His normal smile broken and twisted. Don didn't have time to blink away his shock, before he saw a flash of orange and felt a fist connecting with his jaw. His _little _brother had attacked him without mercy. The sudden rush of memories made his jaw ache and pain boomed through his head once again. His hand grazed the bruised skin and to the deep cut in his lip. Even Raphael had never been _that _far gone. What had he done to deserve this? All he ever did was try and mediate everything.

Usually the youngest turtle was so happy. Letting everything roll off him and laughing at the chaotic life they led. Though his brother overdid it at times. When he would come into Donnie's lab and push as many buttons as he could reach. Purposely knocking over his experiments when he thought Don wasn't looking. The olive turtle rubbed his head at the memories of Mikey ruining project after project. He knew that Mikey fully embraced the idea of being the 'baby' of the family. Pushing the term to mean he could get away with anything.

"Honestly, if he didn't get himself into so much trouble Leo and Raph wouldn't always be reprimanding him. Maybe everyone would even take him more seriously." The words left a sour taste in his mouth. He rubbed his eyes and pushed himself away from the disjointed words of his computer. He hurriedly threw the red-tinted gauze in the garbage and walked out of the infirmary. Relieved when the smell of disinfectant didn't follow him into his lab. He ignored Raph's incoherent string of curses. His hand paused around the doorknob and his eyes traveled over the many notes taped to the door. His own sharp handwriting warning away his brothers from the room. One brother's name in particular appeared repeatedly. Mikey.

What had he done to deserve this? The question mocking him. Mocking the very idea that he'd done nothing to cause this. What had he done to deserve to even _ask_ that question? The many notes warning his brother away. Telling him he wasn't welcome and to leave him alone. Each one was proof enough that he had no right to pretend he wasn't guilty.

His brother's obnoxious laughter echoed through his head as memories of the grinning turtle pushing Donnie out of his lab countless times. Reminding him to eat and drink and spend time with his family. He remembered the many nights he had fallen asleep at his computer and then awoken in his bed. The days when he would snap at anyone who dared to enter his lab and Mikey would barge in; smiling and laughing until Don finally joined him. His hand dropped from the doorknob. He never missed the hurt that flashed across his brother's face when Don closed his door on him or yelled at him. Every fallen smile when he snapped at him and called him a nuisance or stupid. He couldn't pretend anymore. "I've really messed up this time." Why had he ignored the signs.

He'd seen the broken look on Mikey's face the past several days.

He'd seen the anger and resentment that darkened his demeanor.

He'd ignored everything. Insisting that it wasn't important. It was just Mikey being Mikey after all. It was always _just_ Mikey. Unimportant. Mikey always did his best to make sure that Donnie took care of himself. But when his brother reached out for someone, everyone had ignored him. The TV suddenly caught his attention and his eyes went wide.

"-and with the largest predicted rainfall in several years, it is advised that residents stay indoors…" Mikey was out in the sewers right now. The rain would make the sewers flood. Don spun around and he looked at his two older brothers as they came into the living-room. Each staring at the television with mirrored alarm.

"Guys, we need to find Mikey. Now."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

The scent of rain drifted down the cold sewer tunnel. The constant rush of water droned in his ears and bounced off the slick walls. Each breath came quickly, burning his already dry throat. Mikey scowled as his feet sloshed through the water that had gathered at the floor of the tunnel. What time was it? Where was he? Where was that light he'd seen? He paused and reached towards his belt. His hands were made of lead as he tried to force them to corporate with him. He blinked in confusion when he didn't feel his shell cell* in his belt. Had he brought it? Each thought seemed to take up too much energy and he found himself swaying. The tunnel blurring together once again. Mikey groped the wall blindly, trying to steady himself.

"This is bad…" The words sloppily rolled off his tongue. His body slowed and each breath felt labored and forced. His mind raced, panicked by his current situation. His eyes burned with the effort of keeping them open. He looked down the tunnel and blinked to try and make out where he was. Everything was black. Rushing water pounded in his ears and the constant patter of rain falling echoed all around him. Shadows raced over the walls, laughing at him and calling to him. Something cold lapped against his thigh and he glanced down, gasping at the sight. Dark liquid swirled around his legs and wrapped around his ankles. Thoughts flew past him in a frenzy of panic and fear. His skin felt hot and cold against the thick water and his chest ached with the shifting temperature. His anger was long-since forgotten as he wished he was at home. Wished he had never left and was at home safe.

But he was here. Panicked and scared. He was alone. And no one was coming for him.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"Where the hell is he, brainiac?!" Raph's snapped, angrily. Don glared at him as he continued tapping buttons on his shell cell. They ran silently through the tunnels around the lair. The water had risen and was now around their calves. Leo raced ahead of them, worry breaking his calm façade. They called out Mikey's name but each time received no response. A small beeping sounded through the tunnels and they froze. Don tried to calm his heart as it beat loudly in his ears. He tried to make out where the beeping was coming from.

"This way." Leo took off and Don swallowed as he ran after him. The tunnels darkened as they followed the beeping. Dark water rushed beneath them in a rising current and the distant roar of water filled the tunnel. Each step brought them farther and farther from home. Why had Mikey gone this far? They were in an older part of the sewer that was considered unstable. They turned down a tunnel and stopped. A small light shone in the almost pitch blackness and Don hurriedly switched on his flashlight. He walked over to the small light and his brown eyes widened. It was Mikey's phone. The screen was cracked and waterlogged. It had been here a while. He turned to his brothers. The silence freezing the wet air. The tunnel stretched before them into a void of unknown. Guilt weighed down between them and each shared a brief look of shame. Their brother was lost and it was their fault. The sound of rushing water grew louder and they turned towards the noise. Black water reached their knees and froze their skin. They didn't have time. Don swallowed back the guilt that rooted him in place.

"Let's go."

**This chapter was quite a lot of trouble. I had a hard time with Donnie and also writing them all together without Mikey proved to be a challenge as well. I'm sorry for the cliffhanger but I will try and update soon. I need to sort everything out and make sure I know where this story is going. Thank you for reading and look out for the next chapter.**

***I received a review correcting me that the 2003 series did not use the name T-phones. So I fixed it and called the Shell Cells. Which I think is the correct name. **


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